3 PM THOUGHTS WITH DEBU.

Afternoons are slow, for me, especially now that I’m a stay at home daughter. My brain, on the other hand, isn’t. I think alot in the afternoon, compared to the majority who have 3 AM thoughts. For instance this afternoon, my mind was fixed on ugali. That’s what kept me thinking, and now I have a few questions.

Are there people who eat ugali na hawashibi? The way Paddy calls rice ‘glucose’, are there people who consider ugali an appetiser? Lakini fr, mbona mnaoneanga mchele? My parents don’t like rice for supper, they say it’s a snack because by midnight the stomach is empty. Now are there people who also consider ugali a snack? Like every time they see ugali their mind goes “wacha nikule hii nilale njaa”? Juu kuna watu wanaweza kuwa wanaumia na serikali tu imenyamaza. Do we need to invent a meal heavier than that? If you elect me as the 5th president, it will be my top priority.  I will form a committee with our favorite swallowship ambasaddors Mafundi*, who eat for a living, as members . It will be situated in Kakamega, that way the surety and accuracy of the study will be guaranteed. Lisha wananchi, Inua Kenya.

There is also that waru-ugali combo that Kikuyus make. You make mashed potatoes, add corn flour and knead till the forefathers confirm its cooked and fit for consumption.  I ate it once as a kid and i wouldn’t mind trying it again. As a viazi ambassador one has to explore all waru options, and I mean all. I just have one question. The first person to discover that,  what exactly was their thought process? Were they making mukimo when they had their “what if” moment? Come to think it, it has to be a she, cause daughters of Mumbi are exactly the girls they think the are. Tukose kuwa creative kwani sisi ni wanaume? 

Lastly, if in future I open several businesses and organizations and give it the umbrella name ‘Vibes and Inshallah Group of Companies’, mtanisupport? Hata sijui mbona nauliza, if I wake on the right side of the bed on the day I’ll be registering my businesses, that will be it. I meet you and give you a business card that reads “C.E.O and Founder, Vibes and Inshallah. Sipati picha guys, sipati.

Credits: Newton Orch14

* Mafundi is a group of young men, located at Moi Uni Grace Chapel, who are after God’s own Heart. They eat and worship (swallowship) together.

HOW TO SAFELY PRACTICE ROASTING AS A LOVE LANGUAGE

Reading other blogs inspires me to dig out my own from where it has been collecting dust.
Writing, on the other hand, is a means of safely discarding emotions of both extremes; good or bad. For instance today you’re reading this because I lost my appetite. And it’s serious, hata viazi.

Anyway…
Hi, I’m Jepkemoi and I give absolutely good advice where none was asked for.

I am looking to register roasting as a love language. I like roasting people, and I absolutely love being roasted back. I didn’t know this up until August of 2020, I actually bumped into it. You know, how Professor Utonium accidentally created the Powerpuff Girls?
Wait a minute! I am a Powerpuff girl.

The first-ever roast back that I remember was from my friend and shosho Bree. It was a slow, breezy Sunday afternoon and we were out for lunch in our balmy, outdoor, five-star restaurant, Musese.

Musese. Photo: courtesy

I was sitting at the extreme end of a bench, and her the other. It is worth noting that the bench was firmly nailed to the ground. After eating like 12 chapatis, ( uh uh, sasa chapati 12 ni kitu ya kujudge mtu?) it was time to leave. Before she stood up she told me to secure myself somewhere because if she stands unannounced I might bounce out of the seat and hit the roof. I’m 45 kgs, and she is 70+ if I were to give a wild guess. And from that moment I decided I had to do better. It’s about drive, it’s about power!

I’ve been in the roasting industry for about 6 months now, and have been at the top of the game, I might add. To thrive in this field, I came up with a few ground rules:

Know your target audience– Roast people you have a secure connection with, be it friendships or relationships. Someone you’re sure will clap back with the same energy, and there will be no bad blood afterward. Those are the people to burn, respectfully😂.

Keep it light – sensitive areas are a no-no. Insecurities, traumatic experiences, and anything that might poke a hole. If you hurt the other person during the roast, you owe them an apology. Don’t get off with an “I was just joking”, no. You don’t get to decide if it hurt them or not. If you go too far, you have to own up to your mistake.

Read the room – not every time is roast time. Furthermore, a roasting session is not something you force, it somehow just comes up, especially when talking, laughing, and being merry. The goal is not to dampen the mood, but to add fire to it. So don’t overdo it. If the recipient actually laughs along and goes ahead with it, that might be your cue that roasts are okay at the time.

Intentions– never do it with an intention to hurt, because you will. We don’t roast people we don’t like, because that will stem from resentment. On my end, I do it for a few laughs, and I never roast anyone I’ve not gotten to know well enough to know they enjoy it.

Well, folks, that’s it.
However, in the unfortunate event that this selfless advice backfires on you, you’ve never interacted with me a day in your life.

Thank you for 1000 all-time views on my blog!❤❤❤

AKI CHAPATI WEWE

It’s 1:15 am.
I’m writing this as I wait for my food to cool cause I’m a baby girl and being burnt by steaming hot warus is not God’s plan over my life tonight.

Photo Coutersy

About a month ago we had a session with a group that has grown to be family. We were discussing about dealing with failures and only one narrative stuck with me. It was by a fantamagorgeous lady called Jed, and the reason it stuck is because she was talking about chapatis. My good sis went through hills and valleys to make the best chapos and although I’ve never tasted them, I definitely vouch for them based on what I heard alone. If I were to guess, I know she makes chapatis with layers and stairs. Chapatis with no backbone. Chapatis that are beautiful to look at. Yours truly, on the other hand makes chapatis harder than being Kenyan in this time and age. My chapos are usually rigid. Bro they’re even harder than my degree.

No one has ever praised stiff chapos. In fact as someone who makes them I really wouldn’t want to be associated with them.
Anyway long story short, if you’re an experienced chapati expert and would love to take me under your wings so that I can learn I’ll be honoured. Please and thanks.
This isn’t a blog per se, but just an unwinding cause this day has done a number on me.

A LOVE LETTER.

Dear a gal toto, you’re receiving this message because I only have 100 bob in my pocket.

Cries in financial instability

I was a tiny form one girl in 2014. I’m pretty sure I disappeared among crowds when we were moving in masses. I mean as much as I was small, the girls in my school were big, adorned in their glory. I’m not kidding, some pieces of the school uniform didn’t come in my size, so I had to get a size bigger that had me walking around looking like a hanger.

Anyway, while introducing ourselves during the house orientation, I saw this girl, equally as small as me. If you knew her after high school you’d say I’m lying, but I promise you, she was tiny, microscopic even. She was silent and humble, coincidental to her name, although this changed when she discovered drama club😂.All I’m saying is it was love at first sight. Soon we were sitting for our KCSE, and let me tell you Maina, that exam period was the equal of living in Kenya right now, hell. I became an insomniac, a field I didn’t know I’d later prosper in🥲. She would stay up with me. We’d pray together, and although she would fall asleep right after (the prayer for sleep worked on her better than it did on me), it meant a lot to me. It was at this moment that I knew I’d throw hands for her, although I’ve never gotten a chance.

Here we are, 7 years later. She is a flourishing 21-year-old, becoming exactly the girl she always wanted to be.
So Meek, for your 21st birthday, here are my wishes for you.
May your pillow be cold on both sides when you’re sleeping.
May anyone who sends you mpesa include kidogo juu ya kutoa.
May you never lose that alto voice you have, because bargaining over 50% of the retail price is only possible because of it. (Seriously, ukienda sokoni mtafute).
May you always be stable in heels. We thank God for releasing you from the shackles of sneakers.
And finally, may you fall in love with yourself so hard, that one will ever be able to dim your shine.

I love you❤
Lakini tuelewane waru bado ndio napenda zaidi

I hope this makes up for the fact that financially I’m still in January.

TOUGH TIMES ARE LASTING…..

Today morning I bumped into one of the greatest pieces I’ve ever read, by a writer called Suki. I’m a stalker, but I prefer going by Online Forensic Scientist cause the E in my name stands for extra.  Anyway I skimmed through all of her pieces and binging on them made me wonder the nonsense I make you read here. As if that’s not enough I give you the links at 7am to completely ruin your day. But fam, that does not deter me from writing this one. So stay with me here. I’m the moment.

I know most of you have heard of Refiner by Maverick City. No? C’mon it’s the song with the line “I wanna be tried by fire.. purified…” Rings a bell? So yours truly, me, used to sing it ardently, probably more passionately than I sang the “usiponipenda nitapendwa na nani” line in Nenda Lote. What I didn’t realise was that it was a prayer, and I probably overdid it cause God was like “Baby girl, say less!” My life was perfect until it wasn’t.  I’d bore you with the details but you’d have to beg me first.
Just kidding.
No I’m not.
Sike!
They say trials are part of your journey as a Christian. However, when you ask to be tried by fire, tribulations are added to the mix. You are roasted and served with salt and pilipili on the side. Amidst my storm I constantly reminded God that I wasn’t his strongest soldier. Not even that, I never asked to be in the army! I’m not even lying on how not strong I am because I’m shorter than the weekend. As in I’m brief. Kadot.
Despite the chaos that ensued I was keen to learn a few things, that I’d love to pass over. As in I ran so you could walk, so you’re welcome. The refinery process is painful. You will be hurt and bruised. You will lose things and people that you thought you’d lose only when the sun turned pink. You will be a mess. But wisdom will be attached to the wounds you will acquire. You will become a better person to both yourself and those around you.  Most importantly, you and God will be homies.

I’ll leave a disclaimer though, only ask for refinery if you’re ready for the battles that accompanies it. Also be careful to learn what you’re being taught by your situation.

Anyway my tough times are still there, they are lasting. But if with my small small kgs I’m persevering and growing, then so will you.
With that being said nitaweka number ya Mpesa hapa mtoe sadaka.

POTATOES, VIAZI, WARU, AND OTHER SHORT STORIES

The time was 11.30 pm, I had just finished all my tasks for the day. It was now time to cook, nijisunde kawaru then nikaokote. Tell me why that’s when the last matchstick decides to go off without igniting the burner?! How salt and matchsticks just isha at the most inappropriate times should be researched into because no! hapana!
Anyway did you know you can start a fire in your campus bedsitter by rubbing a battery against dry steel wire?

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Image: courtesy

That aside,  it’s currently midnight. The silence is almost tangible.
“Nitakupiga!”
My neighbor is threatening her man. I feel like it’s neccesary to add that she is 5’1 despite all the violence she is promising. 

• 

Btw guys the government is imposing a tax on potatoes.
Waru!
All warus have ever done is be and remain an elite dish. Have I mentioned the versatility? As in you can make mukimo and and have it with potato stew on the side.  Vodka is also made from potatoes. (Hey mum, I’ve literally looked that up a few seconds ago, I don’t even know how it looks like). Bottom line is the government doesn’t love us.
Lakini we agree wakiguza avocado we are taking to the streets! Hiyo nayo tutapigana.
Waru lives matter. I stand with warus.

You’re probably wondering what the take away is from this blog post. Hakuna imagine.  As in umalize exam alafu mimi nikupige lecture pia? Imagine just read and go.
I also forgot to add that after three years of being in second year I’m finally a third year. I should be graduating next year but heh! Mniinue kwa maombi.

• 

This is all over the place but thank you for reading my 2 am thoughts, written at 12 am. Mimi nitaforce!

HEY, LET’S REVAMP THAT SPACE.

Just as cologne leaves a lasting first impression so does a place with amazing decor, otherwise we wouldn’t walk into a mall just to awe at the surroundings now would we?

An average human spends 90% of their lives indoors. I know extroverts are about to track me down and fight me for wrong statistics but yes, you too. For this reason, we try to make our spaces as comfortable as possible,by mostly if not always tweaking it to our liking.

The problem is, not all of us, including myself, have impeccable taste when it comes to perfectly matching interiors. For instance, a task that has always proved hectic is picking curtains. For real though, why do the ones that don’t even match your theme have to be that pretty?! And whoever extracted 10 million colors from three we just want to talk.

However, picking the right color scheme and theme should be the least of your worries, as Koev Interiors, an interior design company, is dedicated to turning your house into a home.

Dear Nairobi bachelor please don’t get a 55 inch screen and sit it on the floor when they can not only mount it for you but also install a wall unit of your choice. With services ranging from wall paper installation, wall painting, party decor be it birthdays or anniversaries, nothing stands in the way of you getting your dream home, or celebration. Not even the tight January budget that found its way into February,as their services are not only quality, but also affordable. Thanks to their apt customer care team, rest assured all your inquiries will be dealt with on time, and to your satisfaction.
Like what you see? Don’t hesitate, reach out to Koev Interiors through their Instagram, Twitter, or their Facebook page.

Happy Decorating!

Dear 25 year old Debu….

Anyone who knows; scratch that; Anyone who has had the privilege (you’d think I’m famous) of interacting with me knows I’m always whining about how school is hard and I wanna quit. Let me put this out here, that’s my coping mechanism . I don’t know how but it works.  I’m not quiting and in fact I attend all my lectures. Mum I know you’re reading this, I don’t miss classes, cha ukweli.

It does get tough. I remember the first programming unit we had showing me dust. Even with glasses i couldn’t see myself passing. Get it? I was mad at whoever instead of taking a walk in their free time decided to invent a way of speaking with computers, well till I realised it was a woman. I really threw in the gender card but it can’t be all roses over here, come fight me.However, 20 year old me is forever grateful to 18 year old me for not quiting. I’m where I’d have killed to be 2 years ago. And to be honest, at the moment I’m overwhelmed. I feel pressured. So I’m writing this for 25 year old me. I envision her flourishing in her field. I envision her as a successful software developer, and more stable in high heels. I envision her being so confident in her craft, a confidence that will attract contracts and partnerships, and hopefully she’d have known how to draw her eyebrows.  Seriously though, there is no way all the geometry I learnt will be a waste. And it’s for that reason, that today I’ll be strong enough to go through this fire, a refiner’s fire. This is the shortest one yet but I can’t talk right now, I’m doing hot girl stuff😂See you in 5 years, yes?

OUT OF BOREDOM, IMPULSE AND CURIOSITY

Day 2,345,456 of quarantine, a blog maybe?
It doesn’t get any more random than this!
Hi, I’m Jepkemoi, an Informatics student, a Youtuber and above all, a little Kenyan girl; like little little😂.

This is the part I get to bore you with details of how I’m 19 but still look like I’m 12 but in all honesty, I also don’t know.
Is it to early to mention that I love potatoes in all shapes forms and sizes? You might need this information in the future *wink*.
I’m in the highest level of introvercy, but I’m down for a turn up once a year or so. I overthink.I believe in God, and favor.
I’m the best online friend you can get yourself, but in real life I’m hella socially awkward. This is me luring you into shooting your friendship shots.
So welcome to my other little world, my first baby being YouTube.
So my not-so-private diary is up and running, yaay!
I really took 3 hours to write this😂